


after

by gingergenower



Series: i want this [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Examination, Minor Violence, Miscarriage, Needles, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:37:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9607901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingergenower/pseuds/gingergenower
Summary: If we succeed and overthrow the Empire, what kind of life will someone like Capt. Andor have?–Mon Mothma, Rogue One: Rebel Dossier





	

In the morning, Cassian wakes up breathing Jyn in. 

She’s on her back and his chin rests on his shoulder, mouth nearly touching her throat. He’s half on top of her, so he takes time to ease away, kissing her shoulder as he goes. Halfway sitting up, he has to pauses to loosen her fingers clutching his shirt- she sighs and stirs, but doesn’t wake up. 

It might be the first night they’ve both slept through in weeks, and she’s been particularly tired, so he dresses quick and quiet. The buckles on his holster click into place, his jacket falling into place on his shoulders, sturdy boots laced up securely. On the way out he only hesitates to pull the duvet up and settle it over her bare shoulders, lips touching her forehead. The doors slides shut behind him, and she’s undisturbed.

He orients himself around her. Bodhi pointed it out to him a few weeks back; in her proximity, it’s like there’s a thread that stretches and twists only so far, until he inevitably takes a step close, takes her hand, leans in. Physical affection is a muscle neither of them have used in a long time, but they’re both stretching to see how they wear it.

It turns out Cassian was lonely before Jyn. He didn’t even realise.

The briefing is short- an intel mission, high risk and high reward- and he’s told to gather his team. Out in the hangar, Bodhi messes around with the thrusters of their stolen shuttle for the hundredth time, and Cassian calls over to tell him to stop messing around.

“You got it, cap,” Bodhi grins, saluting him and starting to screw the panel back in place. “When’re we going?”

“Can you get her ready in ten?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Off to get Jyn, Cassian finds her already awake and mostly dressed.

“You could’ve woken me up,” she says, yanking her laces tight.

“You can eat on the way. You needed the sleep,” he shrugs, handing her holster to her. She still looks tired. “We have to get inside a Republic database.”

“Thought the Republic are on our side.”

“They aren’t being cooperative. Going undetected would be our best chance at success-”

“How unlikely is that?”

“-very unlikely.”

Jyn sighs, her holster secure. “It’s probably my turn to raise hell. Can you get me a grenade? I’ll blow something up.”

Cassian nods, and Jyn moves to walk past him. Putting an arm out, he halts her, and she looks up at him. Once they’re on the ship, they aren’t Cassian and Jyn anymore- they’re captain and lieutenant. Moving in, his hands hold her lower back, and she cups his cheeks. 

“Make sure you come home.”

Rising on her toes and wrapping her arms around his neck, she holds him close. “Wherever you are.”

***

Seven hours later, bent forward, awkward, Jyn focusses on breathing as she shuffles across the hangar. One of her hands holds her stomach- the butt of the gun slammed into her twice, the first blow into her ribs and the second much lower, the sickness and pain dizzying- and her other hand grips Bodhi’s forearm so tight her fingers leave bruises.

He says nothing, half holding Jyn up, trying to get her to the medical bay. They’re pretty sure she doesn’t have internal bleeding, no obvious purple bruising blossoming under her skin, but something’s not right. She shouldn’t be in this much pain.

The only service the pain offers her is that in tempers Cassian’s ranting. Tuning out of his voice and into walking, she can only lean into Bodhi more. She’s tired.

“-that Stormtrooper was half a second away from executing you, do you _understand_ that? If I hadn’t realised what you’d _done_ -”

“But you did, and I’m fine,” she says through gritted teeth. Her rib isn’t as bad as her lower stomach, which aches.

“You need to learn to take your orders-”

“We succeeded.”

“He could’ve killed you.”

“I’m aware. Bodhi, can I just-?”

She stops in the middle of the runway, Bodhi adjusting to find a better hold without hurting her more. Pressing her lips together, she tries to breathe through her nose, every inhale rib-ripping. Without thinking, she tries to straighten up.

She yelps, snapping back into hunching over, curling into herself. Four hands catch her before she hits the floor.

“Jyn, talk to me,” Cassian says, voice low and forcibly calm.

“Something’s wrong,” she breathes, barely able to stay standing. “This isn’t- it shouldn’t-”

“Have you got her?” Cassian’s hands let her go only to scoop her up, cradling her to his chest. 

Burying her face in his neck, she whimpers, too much pressure on her rib not to as he walks. He murmurs in her ear as he carries her the whole way to the med bay, even as he lowers her onto the nearest cot, Bodhi already shouting for the medics.

“Cass…” Jyn says, curling up tight on her side. She barely registers Cassian kissing her forehead and smoothing hair out of her eyes.

“I’m here.”

“Who’re you?” a medic asks.

“I’m her captain.”

“What happened?”

“She got hit, hard, twice, in the ribs and stomach.”

“How painful is it, on a scale of one to ten?” Hands try to encourage her to uncurl her legs, but she refuses to.

“Six.”

Cassian takes one of her hands. “She usually reserves eights and above for when she’s passing out, just so you know.”

“I’m going to give you something for the pain, lieutenant,” the medic says, and the hand Cassian’s holding has the sleeve rolled up and she’s injected with something. “And we’re going to give you a scan to see what’s wrong.”

She’s wheeled away and Cassian and Bodhi aren’t allowed to follow, but they promise they’ll be outside and waiting for her. Too exhausted to really care about being alone, she closes her eyes and counts to ten, over and over again. Every time, she promises the pain’ll stop by ten.

One, two, three, four…

***

Fifteen minutes after the scan, they’ve wrapped up her ribs- two are cracked, but nothing’s broken- and she’s alone. There’s nothing they can do to help them heal, only time, and it’ll take roughly six weeks but she might be cleared for duty as early as two, depending on her stomach. It twinges intermittently and she might yet need surgery, but the drugs took the edge off. Cassian’s just outside the door. She’s calm in a way she wouldn’t expect to be.

A medic slips in and shuts the door behind her, holding a file. Jyn’s propped up on the pillows, and she watches the medic walk across the room and stand at her side.

“Will I need surgery?”

“No. This should pass of its own accord,” the medic says, and Jyn breathes out. It’s not serious, then.

“What is it?”

The medic hesitates, and Jyn frowns. The medic resolves herself, looking Jyn in the eye. “I’m afraid you’re miscarrying. You lost the baby.”

The pause that stretches is hollow, her brain catching the words and trying to decrypt them, trying to understand. It’s not like it hurts, it just doesn’t make sense.

“I was pregnant?”

“Yes, lieutenant. Around seven weeks.”

“Oh.”

Reaching down, she rests a hand on her flat stomach. She’d been tired, she’d been worn out… but she had no idea.

Taking the decision out of it for her might be the kindest thing that Stormtrooper ever did. She’d never put a child in the middle of all this, couldn’t forgive herself if Cassian was hurt- he’d have died without her today, even he couldn’t deny it- but removing it would hurt just as much. She’s not sure she could’ve made that decision.

Clearing her throat, she turns to the medic. “When will I be cleared for active duty again?”

“We’ll check in with you every week or so, and you’re free to drop by if you’re worried about anything, but you should be back to normal within a few weeks. We’re going to keep you in tonight just for observation.”

Jyn nods.

“Do you want to be alone? I can tell your friends that you need to sleep if you don’t want to see them.”

“No,” Jyn says, immediate. “No, um- can you let Cassian in? The captain, Cassian Andor. And tell the other man to go, I’m fine and I’ll see him tomorrow.”

The medic nods, going to leave, but she reaches out to squeeze Jyn’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.”

Once she’s alone, she’s drawn to look at her own stomach, hiking up her shirt and resting her palm over the bare skin. Would she have gone on the mission if she’d known? Would she let this happen over again?

To save Cassian? Yes.

Her thumb strokes up and down, a kind of comfort, and Cassian comes in, face drawn and eyes tight. He rushes over, a soft kiss brief against her lips.

“They wouldn’t tell me anything, only that you weren’t in serious danger, are you-?”

“I’m fine,” she says, her hand finding his and clasping them together. Eyes fluttering shut, exhaustion is a wave that breaks against her. He’s here.

“Jyn?”

“I’m sorry.”

Cassian shakes his head, smiling a little sadly. “You saved me and you’re alright. You have nothing to apologize for, you need to sleep-“

“No. Not- no. I was pregnant.”

He blinks. “What?”

“I didn’t know. I- I didn’t know.”

Like she had, he looks to her stomach, where the Stormtrooper rammed the barrel of his blaster before Cassian could shoot him. Almost as though he doesn’t know he’s doing it, he reaches out, cool fingers skimming over her.

“We’ve been so busy, I didn’t… I’m going to be out for at least three weeks, I’m sorry, if I’d noticed I couldn’t done something about it, I don’t want to leave you alone for that long-”

He looks up, and his expression silences her. His eyes bright with tears, he closes them and his hand settles on her stomach. He’s breathing slow, leaning in as though gravitating towards her stomach.

“How far along?”

“She said seven weeks.”

“And they can’t do anything?”

“No.”

He nods, wiping his face with the back of his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Jyn says. He never so much as mentions the future; the next mission’s as far as he looks. “I didn’t know you wanted that.”

“Neither did I.”

“So why-?”

Shaking his head, his eyes stray back to her stomach. “It’s what we’re fighting for. An ‘after’. Isn’t it?”

“You think about after?”

They both know he doesn’t, he didn’t before now, but something’s changed. He looks older. “I want an after.” His thumbs mimics her earlier, rubbing across the skin where the baby might have grown, and his face crumples.

“Cass-”

“How could I not want that? How could I not want you?”

Jyn’s crying too, but she takes a shaky breath and controls it. He needs her. “After does sound nice.”

He looks at her, but he barely sees her. “If I’d known we wouldn’t have gone on that mission, I wouldn’t have let this happen, I’m so sorry-”

“There isn’t blame to assign,” she says, hand sliding up his arm. “And I didn’t know either. This isn’t your fault.”

“I’m your captain-”

“Can you stop acting like that means something? I do what you say because I agree with you, not because they’re orders.”

“Jyn-”

“It’s not your job to keep me safe. You get the mission done, me and Bodhi and you be _damned_ -”

“No.”

“-what?” 

Shaking his head, he bends down and presses a kiss next to his hand, and then one to her forehead. “Not anymore. I want this.”

“Cass, it… it’s gone.”

He shakes his head, and he's crying again. She knows it’s not just this baby, it’s everything, everything he’s given up and compromised and left behind for the rebellion. “I want something after all this. I want you.”

Jyn’s thought about after, sometimes, whenever it may come. If she’s alone, if Bodhi’s still alive, if Cassian is, if they all make it. The endless stretch of freedom always seemed too much to know what to do with, not knowing what she wants, not knowing what she’s allowed to want with him.

With Cassian. No one else. Her loneliness used to sit against her heart, a constant companion he flicked away as if it were no more than a speck of dust. If anyone could give her hope it would be possible, it’d be him.

Pulling him in, she holds him in tight and promises him after.

***

‘After’ comes sooner than they expect, but it’s not unwelcome. In the corner of an outer rim planet they learn to live in the quiet, and her stomach swells.

**Author's Note:**

> comments keep me writing :) also, I need to quit writing shit that makes me cry


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